THIOTWOAEISW
by silvermangos
Summary: Chapter 1: The Hallucinatory Image of the Wife of an Extremely Important Sontaran Warlord. An extremely confusing drabble series, including chapters that have absolutely no relation to each other and an excessive amount of absolutely-s, completely-s, and Jack. Can you even have an excessive amount of Jack? Rated T to be safe.
1. THIOTWOAEISW

**Okay. My first non-Avengers fic! Please excuse me if I switch tense randomly. I tried to keep it all in present, but those meddling tenses! I don't own Doctor Who. If I did, then Rose would have never left, Ten would have never regenerated, and the Human Doctor and River Song would have had a happy marriage in the Caribbean. I don't own the Wizard of Oz either.**

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"DOCTOR!" The Doctor ignores this call and continues to make out with his wife. Wife?! The Doctor ignores this urgent message from the rational part of his brain that futilely attempts to remind him that apparently, he has gone and gotten _married_. He instead continues to follow the part of his brain that tells him that he should continue to make out with the woman in front of him. "DOOOCCCCTTTTTOOORRR!"

This obviously important message still doesn't distract the Doctor from the delightful make-out session that he is currently engaged in. Anyway, he is quite sure that this person was definitely calling some other doctor. If whoever was shouting had been calling him, they would have said a capital D. This person's d was so lowercase it was embarrassing. "DOCTOR WITH A CAPITAL D!" The Doctor pulls away and looks up in surprise. He makes a "who, _me_?" expression. "YES, YOU, YOU _IDIOT_! THE IDIOT THAT IS MAKING OUT WITH THE HALLUCINATORY IMAGE OF THE WIFE OF AN EXTREMELY IMPORTANT SONTARAN WARLORD!" The Doctor raises his eyebrows, and takes a good look at his...wife? He realizes that the person he thought he was married to and engaged in a heated making-out session with _was_ in fact the hallucinatory image of the wife of an extremely important Sontaran warlord. The beautiful blond winks at him, makes a "call me!" gesture and disappears. There isn't even a _poof!_ when she disappears. She leavs behind nothing but a tiny slip of white paper. The Doctor slips the telephone number into his pocket, pouts, and turns around, bent on giving the person who made his hallucination disappear a good talking-to, until he sees who has been calling him this whole time.

"_Rose?!_" He smiles widely and opens his arms for a hug. Unfortunately, Rose is not smiling widely, nor is she running into his arms. Instead, she glares at him.

"WHAT THE _HELL _HAVE YOU BEEN DOING? SERIOUSLY, I LEAVE YOU ALONE IN MY HOME UNIVERSE FOR-" She looks down at her wrist, upon which is some weird contraption that is definitely _not _a digital watch, because Rose is _so _much more advanced. "-TWO DAYS. _TWO DAYS, _DOCTOR, AND YOU'RE ALREADY MAKING OUT WITH HALLUCINATORY BLOND WOMEN."

"I have my reasons!"

"YOU NEED MONEY DESPERATELY, AND THOUGHT THAT SHE WAS GOING TO PAY YOU FOR TEN MINUTES OF INTENSE SNOGGING?"

"NO! Well, maybe...but why would you think that?"

"BECAUSE YOU'RE A LYING, CHEATING, BACKSTABBING PIECE OF-" Jack suddenly appears in between the two at this awkward moment, and he slowly backs away, having heard the sentence before he actually fully materialized.

"You know, Ianto is waiting for me to get back, we were just checkin' out this new teleport-y thing we got. It seems like you guys are doin' good, and oh, hey Doctor!, lookin' mighty fine there!" The Doctor glares at Jack.

"YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE!"

"Okay." says Jack meekly.

"NOW TELL THE DOCTOR THAT HE IS A LYING, CHEATING, BACKSTABBING PIECE OF...PIECE OF..."

"Chewed up goat meat?" interjects a random Raxacoricofallapatorian.

"YES! TELL THE DOCTOR THAT HE IS A LYING, CHEATING, BACKSTABBING PIECE OF CHEWED UP GOAT MEAT!" The Doctor stares at Rose with a look of absolute surprise. Jack shrugs.

"Doctor, you are a lying, cheating, backstabbing piece of chewed up goat meat."

"Thank you, Jack."

"You're welcome." This exchange obviously did not go in the way that Rose wanted it to (the Doctor should have started sobbing and pledging eternal devotion to her). Rose starts growling, rather menacingly to make herself feel better. Jack moves closer to the Doctor and attempts to hide behind him. The Doctor slowly steps forward, closer to Rose, whose eyes are now glowing gold.

"Rose..." the Doctor warily ventures, "I know you're obviously very angry, and obviously, I did something that was...bad..." Jack throws up his hands in dismay at the Doctor's horrible adjectives, "...and you'd like to express these strong emotions in a way that will most likely result in physical harm to a person, well, namely _me_, but fulfill a dying man's last wish and tell him why exactly he is about to die!" The Doctor finally stops for breath, and takes a big gulp of air.

"YOU LEFT ME ALL BY MYSELF IN THAT _STUPID _PARALLEL UNIVERSE, AND THEN YOU _CHEATED _ON ME!"

"You're mad about me making out with the hallucinatory image of the wife of an extremely important Sontaran warlord?"

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Then what?" Rose starts to begin another tirade about how the Doctor was a lying, cheating, backstabbing, etc., but she finally takes a good look at the Doctor and Jack who are now hiding behind a giant rock so that only the tops of their heads and their eyes show. She also notices the little bit of brown, not blue sleeve that is visible from behind that boulder, and calms down a little bit.

"You guys can come out now," she says, laughing, "I'm not going to bite."

"Doctor?"

"Yes, Jack?"

"Should we go out?"

"Well, she's not talking in capital letters anymore."

"Yes, yes, you make a point, but this might be an evil plan to get us both out from behind this wonderful boulder."

"You know I'm right behind you."

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" scream both Jack and the Doctor in a most ladylike fashion. They both simultaneously dramatically faint.

"I bet they rehearse that every night before they go to bed."

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"It wasn't _you _you. It was the _other _you."

"Rose?" says the Doctor, attempting to get up. He wonders why he is lying down in a cave, but before he can ask, Rose starts talking really fast.

"You know how your hand turned into a human version of you?"

"Yes..."

"Well, me and your hand, we were like, _together_, ya know, and I thought that he was gonna propose, and then the next day, I come home early from Torchwood, and I find him and this other woman making out on the couch! Some professor, or summin'. Her name was River Song, can you believe that? What kinda name is River Song?" Jack is awake and listening intently by now.

"Hey, Doctor, isn't River Song that chick-"

"Yes, yes, she is." The Doctor finishes his sentence and promptly faints.

"Has he eaten enough?"

"Eh, don't worry about it Rose. He's just shocked that his future wife cheated on him with her future husband, who happens to be his other future wife's future husband." At Rose's confused look, Jack proceeds to draw a diagram.

"You see, a couple of episodes before he left you with Mr. Dreamy, the Doctor met this chick, River Song, who knew his name and everything. She knew him, but a different regeneration of him." He writes River Song's name in the dirt with a stick. "Then he meets you, leaves you with Mr. Dreamy, and goes off, figuring that it'll all work out wonderfully. He marries R.S., and you get with Mr. Dreamy."

"Why are you calling that lying, cheating, backstabbing piece of chewed up goat meat Mr. Dreamy?"

"I feel like it, okay! Don't judge me! Anyway, he proceeds to get on with his life, until you show up and inform him that his future wife cheated on him with your future husband, creating an alternate future timeline in which those two get married, leaving you and the Doctor no choice but to get married, because that's what the divine rectangle says."

Rose looks down and finds The Divine Rectangle complete with labels, arrows, lines, and parallel markings. After a pause, during which Rose admires the diagram, and Jack basks in his superior diagram skills, Jack resumes his lengthy explanation. "This also explains why the Doctor fainted. First of all, he's too much of a wimp to actually make out with you, and second of all, the dramatic and sudden switch of timeline in his head probably overloaded his timey-wimey brain."

"I see." say both Rose and the Doctor in unison. A surprised Rose turns around to see a rather adorable Doctor behind her. He smiles and waggles his eyebrows.

"I don't think I'm going to be calling that hallucinatory image of the wife of an extremely important Sontaran warlord anytime soon." He crumples up the telephone number and chucks it into the cave as Jack turns around and covers his ears. No one wants to witness any part of Rose and the Doctor's intense make-out session. Because all three known occupants of the cave were otherwise occupied, none of them saw or heard the frightening intruder that had walked in on their happy-family moment.

"I'll get you, my pretties!" cackled the hallucinatory image of the wife of an extremely important Sontaran warlord. "And your little dog too!"

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**I'll write another chapter if you guys want it. Otherwise, this will just be a oneshot. Also, please don't expect an update immediately. My muse is afraid of commitment and jumps fandoms like I change clothes. Reviews will be appreciated and most likely responded to with a giant baking spree during which I bake sixty cookies and all are gone in two days. If you guys wanna see the Divine Rectangle, it's in my profile. Thanks for reading! **


	2. Groceries

**Okay. So, I'd like to thank everyone who reviewed (I made carrot cupcakes with cream-cheese icing. They're all gone now, but you guys can have the future muffins!) This isn't really a Part 2 to The Hallucinatory Image of the Wife of an Extremely Important Sontaran Warlord. Actually, it's not the sequel at all. It's completely different, and quite AU. Jack is just not letting me go. He keeps following me around and I'm not sure if I don't like it. I think I just used a litote! Anyway...the sequel to THIOTWOAEISW may or may not be written/posted. However, there will likely be more drabble-type stuff. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own my heart, soul, mind, and life, also known as Doctor Who. **

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"Where are you going?" Jack turns around, stunned.

"Where do you_ think_ I'm going?"

"You're leaving." The Doctor suddenly transforms into a child, his warm brown eyes absolutely betrayed. "Why do you want to go?" When Jack doesn't answer (he is standing in front of the TARDIS doors like an idiot, opening and closing his mouth), the Doctor blinks and speaks again, impossibly soft. "It's okay, Jack. You don't have to stay." Jack is still absolutely confused about the whole situation.

"Doctor-" Before Jack can say anything else, the Doctor starts talking again.

"No, Jack, you don't have to explain anything to me. It's completely your choice. I mean, it's not like you have to stay with me to see the universe. You've got a vortex manipulator." The Doctor's voice is forcibly cheerful, a poor attempt at masking his pain and betrayal. Jack tries again.

"Doctor, I'm-"

"It's been wonderful, Jack. You are absolutely fantastic." The Doctor smiles and his eyes fill with tears. He looks at Jack for what he thinks is the last time. He looks at Jack again. And again. "Jack..." Jack sighs. He decides to just let this whole thing run its course.

"Yes, Doctor?"

"Where's your stuff?"

"I'm not taking it."

"Why not?" The Doctor looked like someone had just told him that they liked pears.

"I don't think that I can carry the groceries _and _all my stuff back to the TARDIS."

"Oh."

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**Okay, just to clarify. Jack is going grocery shopping but the Doctor thinks that he is leaving forever. Also, the Doctor just can't wrap his mind around anyone liking pears. It confuses him. I hope that the clarification was completely unnecessary. I use completely a lot, don't I? Review! Even if the author is completely horrible and doesn't update for weeks and weeks and weeks.  
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	3. A Tour of the TARDIS!

**Soooo, I'm back! Yes, it's quite surprising. Thanks to everyone who reviewed! I made snickerdoodles! Yes, _again_. Anyway, this is another completely random chapter of THIOTWOAEISW. I really need to change that title. Does anyone have an idea? This is going to be a more-than-one parter. Just saying. And I am not implying that the President, the Prime Minister, or the Secretary-General of the U.N. would at any time be caught in their pajamas. Ever.  
**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Not "Yellow Submarine", not the leaders of the free world, and definitely not Doctor Who. **

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It wasn't really something the Doctor did, tours of the TARDIS. However, Rose could be _very_ convincing (she was so like her mother at times). The Doctor's face was still stinging. So, they were off. Off to tour the TARDIS in their jim-jams. Well, _he _wasn't in his jim-jams. The President, the Prime Minister, and the Secretary-General were.

"You know, you guys could have dressed up just a _little_. At the very least, you could have worn a _shirt_." The Doctor cringed at the powerful politicians' glares. "Not that you all don't have wonderful abdominal muscles." Rose and Jack, who were watching from Torchwood, unbeknownst to the Doctor, simultaneously face-palmed.

"That's our Doctor, Rosie. Complimenting the bleedin' _Secretary-General_ on his _chest_!"

"I still can't believe he materialized in their bedrooms at _3 a.m._! They're all in different _time zones! _And don't call me Rosie!"

"I will call you anything I like, Rosie-Posie."

"Jackie." Jack's eyes widen.

"Don't you dare."

"Oh! Little Jackie doesn't like his nickname? I don't know, Jackie-poo, I think Jackie fits your personality _perfectly." _Jack was about to fall into a dead faint at the thought that he was like _Jackie_, but was quite rudely interrupted by the sudden sound of "Yellow Submarine".

"Rose?"

"Jack?"

"Is that...?"

"Yes, Jack. Yes, it is."

"How many times did we tell him?"

"984. I tallied on my arm, see!" Jack just stares at the black tallies on Rose's arm, but pretends that the tally marks don't mean anything at all.

"Yeah," Jack says, still staring at the 984 tallies on Rose's arm, "He even swore on pears!"

"_Pears_."

"Yeah, doesn't he love them?"

"_No, you ninny. He likes bananas. He hates pears." _

"Rose?"

_"Jack?"_

"Why are you talking in italics?"

_" Because you are going to diiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! _After we save the President, the Prime Minister, and the Secretary-General from the Banana Room first, of course."

*back at the TARDIS*

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry! I didn't mean to insult your goldfish! I didn't know he had multiple-personality disorder! Why don't we look inside this room? This bright yellow door shaped like a banana seems quite calming!"

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**It is quite short, yes. But the last one was shorter? Expect an update sometime before next Tuesday. Hopefully. Reviews might speed up the process! :)  
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	4. Segways plus Enter Banana Room

**Hi! I'm posting sooner than I expected! That almost never happens. Anyway, thanks to everyone who read the last chapter! I guess it wasn't the best, since I didn't get any reviews. I'm still waiting on story names. Also, please be warned that I was feeling a bit weird while writing this. Just a bit. A very small bit that doesn't anything to do with the periodic table and mountain lions. Yeah...anyway...we go back to Rose and Jack now.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. I don't own the pink hairband on my wrist. :( I don't even own that frowny face.**

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Rose whips out two Segways, ready to roll through the Time Vortex. Jack, however, is not convinced.

"We're going to travel through the Time Vortex on _Segways_?"

"Yup." Jack ignores this incredibly concise response to his question.

"I mean, _I _can. I've gone through the Time Vortex while hanging on to the back of a TARDIS. Except I ended up dead. I don't think that you're immortal, Rose."

"Mmmhmm..." Rose is busy digging through a closet that has materialized in the middle of the room. Jack doesn't know how it got there, and he's pretty sure that he doesn't _want _to know. Rose throws a purple baby bottle, a color-changing pack of diapers, and a miniature stuffed Ood over her head. A bridal gown and seventeen broomsticks follow, and Jack is hit in the head with a rather well-aimed set of bobble heads made to look like each of the Doctor's regenerations. Rose finally emerges from the closet, holding a small pink blanket, with some random-looking circles stitched on. Rose ties the blanket around her head, puts on a helmet, and boards the Segway.

"ROSE!"

"What?"

"Haven't you been listening?!" Rose rolls her eyes at this.

"No. I was _busy_. Gosh, men these days. Don't know anything." Jack decides to let this insult to his manly manliness slide, deciding that it was partly true.

"I was telling you that you're not going to survive going through the Time Vortex on a Segway."

"Well, _duh_. Why do you think I have this blanket tied around my head?" Jack blinks, confused.

"Why wouldn't you have a blanket tied around your head? Everyone does it." Now it is Rose's turn to be confused. She figures that blanket hats must become popular sometime in the 51st century.

"This is not just any blanket, Jack. This is the Blanket."

"Yes, I know it's a blanket. I just don't get the point of it. It's a _blanket_. It's like the Doctor and his glasses. It's useless."

"_You have insulted the Blanket, Jack Harkness. You shall pay._" Jack shrieks, and steps away from the miniature Ood that has suddenly started to move. It turns around slowly, and Jack realizes that the little holes that are appearing in the walls are from its laser-beam eyes. He scrambles behind Rose, and uses her as a shield, completely abandoning his manliness. Rose moves away, and Jack gives her a look of complete and utter betrayal. Rose puts her hands up.

"Hey, I warned you."

"NO YOU DIDN'T!"

"Oh. Well, you should have known!"

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*back at the TARDIS*

The Doctor opens the door to the Banana Room, nervously glancing back at the slightly really quite angry leaders-of-the-free-world. He lets out a very quiet scream at the sight of three angry glares trained on him. 'I am the Oncoming Storm.' he reminds himself. It doesn't help much.

"What is this room used for, Doctor? I sincerely hope, for your sake, that this room, unlike all the others you have shown us, has a purpose that is beneficial to humankind." The Prime Minister finishes his politely threatening statement. The Doctor's mouth, which was open and about to get him put in either jail or a mental facility for the rest of his regenerations, suddenly snapped shut. The Doctor decides to keep the information that he watches Indian TV serials in the Banana Room to himself.

"Of course!" the Doctor says, pretending to be offended while surreptitiously sonicing the TV. "Why would you think that it wouldn't be useful?"

"With all due respect, sir, the last room you showed us was a shrine to bananas, and the room before that was filled with a detailed history and analysis of the goldfish from Elmo's World." says the Secretary-General.

"Her name is Dorothy." replies the Doctor. This significant statement, which will, in the future, save the world, is ignored by the politicians, who now want to know why a giant flatscreen television is in the middle of the room, along with a comfy chair and a box of tissues.

"Well, I need to monitor the Earth from _somewhere_, don't I? How do you think I arrive just in time to save it?"

"Your time- traveling machine?" The President raises his eyebrows, just like the Prime Minister. He is still a little mad about the goldfish comment. Multiple-personality-disorder in goldfish was a terrible disease, and overlooked most of the time. His life's work consisted of educating the public about the horrible malady. The Doctor's eyes widen, and the President smirks.

"Very good question! Really, it's _fantastic. _No one's ever asked me something like that. Yeeeeees, I have a time-traveling machine. However, I need to know when to arrive, right?" The trio of politicians nods appreciatively, and then put on a questioning face again.

"What's the box of tissues for?"

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**Oooh...cliffhanger. Not really. But you guys will have to wait for the next installment to find out what happens to Jack and the laser Ood. Mwahaha! Review please! No baked goods this time...but I do have jam sandwiches!  
**


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